Subele

Oftentimes the signs of domestic abuse confuse us. We think of it as the apparent and fail to know the subtle, unless we are on the receiving end.

For example, I listen couples speak with regards to the abuse in their relationships as altho they are referring to two distinguished relationships. And the sensing of each person often times misses the experience of the other.

Abuser’s Perspective

He sees the “blowup” episodes, which he meekly refers to as the “incidents.”…And he wonders why she can’t just pardon and forget.

From his perspective, months have passed and he can’t (so he says) perceive why she’s still fearful of him. “For crying out loud,” he declares, “I haven’t laid my hands on her in over half a year and she still withholds intimacy.”

Domestic Abuse Survivor’s Perspective

She, on the other hand, is conscious of her sensations of oppression and being trampled upon by his innuendo day-to-day. It may come in the form of a look, a gesture or a lot of “innocent” words.

For example, he may say, “Dear, you are slow to heal and slow to forgive. If only you’d let go of your hurt, we could commence fresh and formulate the kinship of our dreams.”

Wait a second now. Did you just listen and feel that? On the surface, one might say his words are those of someone attempting to patch things up. However, when standing in her shoes, these are words of condescension. They say, let me aid you see how deficient you are, my dear.

So when she takes in this subtle little message as her each day bread, she does not see the last “blowup” as having happened months ago. No, for her, it is an ongoing message that she is less than, missing out in, not sufficient of… Simply stated, she is not valued as is.

If you are a domestic abuse survivor and you find yourself locking horns with your collaborator over when and how you will have to have healed, stop and detect how you feel. You and your collaborator are masking in the makeup game, but carry on to enact the dynamics of domestic abuse.

Subele Picture

Subele Picture

Subele Photo

Subele Picture